I am contractually free from the Marine Corps and I figured it’s about time I wrote a true Marine article. I’m not going to write about my time in the Marine Corps, that would be too short. 89% of the time it sucked, 10% of the time it was awesome—and that 10% made up for the 89% suckfest. 1% of the time was trying to find creative ways to masturbate without lube in the desert and not rip the flesh off… nevermind.

Do you remember that commercial in the movie theaters with that asshole climbing mountains and shit, then fighting dragons with a damn sword? Then it wraps up with this ass clown standing on a fucking mountain in dress blues? Yeah, well that’s a bunch of horse shit, so I figured I’d describe the “real” Marines. They come in a few different flavors. Here they are.

1. The “This Isn’t What I Signed Up For” Marine

“Fuck yeah, I’m a Marine. Fuck yeah, I look good in dress blues. Fuck yeah, I got money.”

Shut the fuck up boot, we’re deploying in two months.

“Deploying… uh… where?”

These “Oorah!” assholes listen to Marine running cadences in their damn car too. God invented the car so we don’t have to fucking run all day. Where the fuck do you think? Have you ever seen the news? Jesus Chesty Puller Christ, it’s even on MTV. Now shut that cock holster you call a mouth and quit your bitchin’. Oh, and we’re going to stop at AP Hill for a month before we leave.

It’s not like you didn’t know what the hell was going on. I know your dumbass is only 18 but what the fuck were you expecting joining Marine infantry post 9/11? That they’d station you in Miami Beach for women to trip on your pecker?

2. The “I’m So Fucking Motivated All the Fucking Time” Marine

This could quite possibly be the most obnoxious person in the Marine Corps (aside from every other Marine not in your battalion). Every now and then you meet one of these fuckers who’s just too damn motivated. There is “esprit de corps,” then there’s “if the Marine Corps was a dude I’d butt-fuck it ‘cause I’m gay like that.” I’m talking about the second kind of person here.

“Bro, this is like, sooooo much better then high school; I love the Marine Corps.”

That’s great and all, and I certainly love the Marine Corps too, but it’s the fucking weekend, leave me the fuck alone. And I swear to Christ, if you say “Oorah!” one more fucking time while playing Ghost Recon, I’m going to beat you like a red-headed step child.

These are the same guys who walk around their hometown mall wearing the most ridiculous Marine t-shirts that say shit like “We Put Kittens in Microwaves and Kill Babies and Drink Our Coffee With Sugar and Napalm. Then on Saturday We All Drive Monster Trucks Over To Our Buddy’s House and Eat Bacon-Flavored Barbed Wire Wrapped in C4, Which is Then Wrapped in Bacon. Oooo-Bacon-Rah!

These assholes listen to Marine running cadences in their damn car too. “Up in the morning with the Carolina sun, gonna run all day ‘til the running’s done.” Okay, first, God invented the car so we don’t have to fucking run all day. Second, on the topic of cars, drive us into an oncoming school bus so I don’t have to hear this shit anymore. You can easily spot these fuckers on the road; they have bumper stickers that say shit like, “My Other Car is a HMMWV“, or “OORAH! It’s a Marine Thing.” Seriously, have you ever seen a road cyclist with a bumper sticker that says “Sore Assholes: It’s a Cyclist Thing”?

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3. The “Aren’t You an Illegal Alien” Marine

“Que?”

4. The “My Daddy was a Marine, And His Daddy was a Marine, And His Daddy’s Pa was a Marine, And His Daddy’s Pa’s Daddy was Too” Marine

Marine standing next to his Marine dad
Like father like son, like we care.
…Well you’re still a fucking boot.

Look, there is no “Marine Corps Alumni.” Once a Marine always a Marine, so consider your dumbass still serving with them. Nobody gives a shit. Seriously, what do you think you’re entitled to, a raise?

5. The “Back Home I’m Somebody Important” Marine

“Mang, fucker, you don’t even know. Back home I gots like seven cars, and my pops owns a few nightclubs. I used to run them for him. I produced albums for some local rappers too. I was rollin’ in money, dog.”

So why the fuck didn’t you stay your ass at home? Every now and then you run into this jerk-off. Elaborate stories of models he’s fucked, cars he’s owned, celebrities he knows, and you’re sitting there rolling your eyes thinking, “You wouldn’t be lying would you?”

6. The “I’m So Racist” Marine

“Man, fuck all these wetback motherfuckers, dude. I’m sick of hearing all this trumpet and bongo shit!”

Yeah, I guess. Is it really that bad?

“Fuck yeah it is, this Puerto Rican above me keeps blastin’ this banana boat shit all through the fucking night. Every time I try to beat off he’s got some damn rice and bean convention going on.”

Hey dude, you do know I’m half Cuban, right?

“Man, fuck that, you look white.”

Right… but… nevermind.

“Yo Ramirez, you going to chow? Yeah! Wait up, dog.”

Wait, I thought you hated Latinos?

“Nah man, it’s Ramirez, we’re cool, we went to boot camp together.”

Some skinhead wannabe who spends his free time tying nooses, listening to hate metal, drawing swastikas on his helmet, and all sorts of racist shit ends up the best man in his black roommate’s interracial wedding. Gotta love it.

7. The “Don’t Tell Me How to Spend My Money” Marine

“Dude, after this deployment I’m going to be like fucking Jay-Z rich.”

Oh yeah, on Lance Corporal pay?

“Hell’s yeah, dude. Man, the first thing I’m going to buy is a Bugatti watch, then I’m gonna take all my boys to the club and get a VIP room and buy all the drinks. Then I’m going to buy a flat screen for the barracks, and a fucking Ford Mustang.”

Look asshole, the watch is ridiculous; when the hell are you ever going to wear that, in the field? And a flat screen? This is the damn infantry, dude, when do we really have time for TV? And you KNOW that shit’s gonna get stolen. Last, why buy a fucking Mustang… they’re issued at CIF… and let me guess, you got a V6?

Dude, chill bro. I got this…. Can I bum $20 ‘til we get paid Friday?

8. The “I Start Every Sentence With “Fuckin” And End Every Sentence With “And Shit” Marine

These guys always made me laugh; it was pretty much an easy way to spot someone who repeated third grade.

“Fuckin’, all right…. dag gone, were gonna fuckin’ head to the armory and clean our fuckin’ weapons, and shit. Fuckin’, then uh… fuckin’, we’re gonna roll to the motor pool and PM the fuckin’ piece of shit trucks, and shit.”

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The thing is, you stand there in formation listening to this crap and the only thing you can think is, “This fuckin’ dumb son of a bitch is going to get us killed one day… and shit.”

9. The “I Come Up With the Weirdest Ways to Describe Shit” Marine

“Hey dude, doesn’t he kinda look like Ernie, from Bert and Ernie, but like if Ernie was a lesbian?”

Huh?

“You don’t see it?”

“Man, I swear Peter looks exactly like if Lt were to fuck a Persian ferret while taking hair growth supplements… that would be their kid, right?”

“Fuck me man, it’s hotter than two queer Wookies fucking in a fleece-insulated sleeping bag in the middle of Kenya in the summer heat after they just got done running 13 miles in fire retardant suits.”

What the FUCK are you talking about?

10. The “I’m a Fucking Corpsman and More of a Marine Than You” Corpsman

I gotta give a shout out (did you really just use “shout out”? MAS PUTOS, HUE!) to the Devil-Docs, and you know who you are. The simple truth is, all the average Seamen does is pass out Motrin and tell us to drink water. But every now and then you get a Doc who stays right in the thick of the shit with you; standing fire-watch, carrying an M-16, driving our trucks, firing our mortars, and being just as much a Marine as any other one of us. Shit, sometimes I’d look at the shitheads we’d get from infantry school and think to myself, “Just go the hell back home and send us another squared away Doc.” Then again, sometimes you’d get a complete piece of shit Doc—the kind you’d rather trade for a warm Diet Mountain Dew.

11. The “Back When I First Got In” Marine

“Back when I first got in we all had to do pull-ups with our teeth.”

Uh… that’s not possible.

“Shut the fuck up boot or I’ll drop kick you in the brain-housing-group. Fucking weak-ass, pussy-ass, bitch-ass, ass-ass, boot. I was slaughtering mu-fuckas during Desert Storm when you were still shittin’ boot-camp breakfast.”

Oh really? Saw a lot action, huh?

“Back when I first got in we rode horses into battle. Back when I first got in we didn’t have GPS, we used the fuckin’ stars.”

Well whoopty-fucking-doo. Back when you first got in is called “history,” and there’s a channel for that. This is the fucking present; nobody gives a flying fuck how hardcore it used to be, or how rough your life was back then. Adapt, overcome, and get the fuck over yourself. There’s nothing wrong with nostalgia, but shut the hell up.

12. The “Look at me, I’m so fucking smart, and always have an answer for everything, and I always have the wittiest come backs, yet there’s no way in hell I can manage to do two pull-ups, and everyone looks at me like, ‘How the fuck is he getting promoted to Corporal? He smokes when we run, he orders Domino’s when we’re in the field training, and half the time he’s not even that funny. And what’s with him talking from the perspective of his conscious, like’s he part of the cast of Scrubs? What a fuckin’ weirdo” Marine

(Wait…where are you going with this?)

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