1. Your Christmas tree will soon die, is currently dead, or is suspended in a hellish plastic nothingness, completely oblivious to life, love or happiness.

2. Every log you place on the fire is also dead and would undoubtedly be screaming if it had a voice. Each stoke also emits more CO2 into the atmosphere, bringing the entire planet closer to a watery grave.

3. You’re Jewish and will have to put up with well-meaning Christian friends telling you that they wish they had eight days of presents, in the same tone your mother uses when telling you that she wishes she was brave enough to leave the house without make-up.

4. You grew up with a homicidally Catholic grandmother, and are now only one more “Merry Christmas” away from getting fired.

5. Gina, the painfully flirtatious accounts manager, just produced mistletoe out of thin fucking air. You eye the window, but work on the 17th floor.

6. The most uplifting Christmas movie the human race could produce in the past 70 years is about a man who narrowly decides against suicide after extreme divine intervention and borrowing money from his friends during a recession.

7. All the actors in that film are dead.

8. Gina got your number from a co-worker and has drunk-dialed you on Christmas Eve.

9. As a final middle finger to your Christmas tree, you waste the lives of its brothers and sisters misspelling neighbors’ names on cards.

10. The dressed up funeral wreath on your door provides a chilling reminder of your own mortality, every time you come home to hug your loving spouse and children.

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11. Despite celebrating it for 25 years, you’re still not sure how to tell your parents that you don’t really know what Kwanzaa is.

12. The only day of the year when it’s acceptable to get day-drunk in your pajamas is also the day when you are most likely to be in close proximity of children, your mother-in law, and fireplaces.

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