Like a wedding, a bar is a gathering of people—some family, some friends—all coming together to get drunk and celebrate something that few people really care about.

The underlying cause of going to weddings and bars is the same: get drunk, get laid, meet tons of people you'll never call, and look back at your youth and think, "Damn…I really should have wrapped it up."

These are the 111 Definitive Rules of Bar Crashing.

Use them wisely.
Use them often.
Use them well.
Use a condom.

Rule #1 – Never leave a fellow Bar Crasher behind, unless he's attempting to flush the juke box.

Rule #2 – Always use your real name.  If you lie, you'll get drunk and let it slip, and if you buy her enough tequila she won't remember it anyway.

Rule #3 – Always confess.  Just make sure the confession is a lie.

Don't be mysterious.  This isn't a movie and you don't look enough like Brad Pitt.Rule #4 – Someone's going home alone; make sure it's not you.  If it is going to be you, sacrifice yourself as a wingman so you can get the gym-happy girl next time.

Rule #5 – The only thing that should come between you and a fellow Bar Crasher is a female's breast, which must at least be perky Cs.

Rule #6– Don't sulk in a corner if you get the spins.  Get out on the dance floor and use those puppies to your advantage! "Check it out, I'm a fucking dreidel!"

Rule #7– There are 18 million douchebags trying to get laid tonight.  Whatever you can do to stand out, do it.

Rule #8 – You do not need to be the life of the party…because you already are!  Now go out there and begin a sentence with, "Hey everybody, listen up!"

Rule #9 – Entering through the chimney after the bouncer denies you access is not out of the question. That is, assuming the bar has a chimney. Crashing the North Pole is also not out of the question.

Rule #10 – Early nights are for pussies. Literally. Get the job done early and get back on the horse!

Rule #11 – Be blunt, be fast.  You have about 7 minutes with each girl to get something going before one of her fat friends comes along or another prospect enters your line of site.

Rule #12 – If it stops being fun: you suck. Go take three Irish Car Bombs and smile, you cock muncher.

Rule #13 – Single girls are desperate for the affection and vain fulfillment they've been fed since day 1.  Engaged girls are desperately afraid to be married to the same guy forever.  Married girls are desperate to cling to their youth.  Be the fulfillment, be the different guy, be the youth to cling on to.  Did I say youth?  I meant dick. Did I say cling on to? I meant put in their mouth. Sorry; small typos.

Rule #14 – You are drunk = you are friends with everyone. Go meet people.

Rule #15 – Fight the urge to pursue your #1 choice of the night.  If you continue to feel powerful urges to chase after her beautiful smile, tell the bartenders you just got fired and they'll take care of you.  Feelings are for losers.

Rule #16 – If a girl asks you about a news story you aren't familiar with, listen to her for as long as possible and then say: "I know, I know…I heard about that too – where the guy was (repeat thing she just said but use different synonyms) and then the girl he was with (next event she already told you but more wordy and complex so it seems like you've analyzed it); I totally (feel the exact same way you do) but life's just like that sometimes, you know?"  (Note: you don't know.)

Rule #17 – Every female who goes out deserves the chance to put out. Don't deny them this right.

Rule #18 – You love whatever drink they love.  If it's wine, choose one of two routes, 1) "Very full-bodied, almost oak-like taste to it; sophisticated," or 2) "Light and fruity, right off the vine; reminds me of a '04 Chardonnay."

Two Girls, One Guy
Quick, simple math! Two girls, one guy… YOU'RE UP!
Rules #19 – Give loud toasts to events that are not taking place.  If a fellow Bar Crasher is in need, toast to his 24th birthday, just like you did last week for someone else.  And remember: it's never the wrong time for a "Salute our Troops" speech.

Rule #20 – You always have a "work thing" in the morning.  Do not go into detail about this, but any "work thing" should include at least two of the following:

  • Big presentation or one-on-one meeting with the regional sales manager.
  • The CFO wants to meet with you to discuss venture capital options.
  • The blueprints need some serious editing because you've doubled first round investments.
  • Your fiscal reports are way behind because you've nearly quadrupled growth in the emerging markets sector.

Rule #21 – Don't worry about her age. Any under-18-year-old who got into a bar is a gigantic whore looking to blow whoever buys her a gin and tonic. Have at it, then claim you didn't know her. You may not remember it anyway!

Rule #22 – You have all night to seal the deal, but only 7 minutes with each girl.  This is approximately two songs. Keep fellow Crashers in check.  Any longer and other prospects may think you have a girlfriend.

Rule #23 – Do not return to the same bar for seconds unless it is to close your tab.

Rule #24 – If you hit on a douchebag's girlfriend and he gets pissed, do not worry: tough guys don't get mad about this, insecure pussies do.  Batters up!

Rule #25 – It was always an inside joke between you and a friend; you didn't mean it that way.

Rule #26 – (If it's a sappy, I-want-a-Noah-from-The-Notebook girl) You were once in love…and then she broke your heart…it's hard to trust people…to let others in. (If she's a whiskey-pounding, dark-haired babe with bruises from bull riding) You have never been in love; you're too busy living life in the fast lane! Yahoo! Shots of Jack!

Rule #27 – Viagra was invented by Bar Crashers. Never bring a rubber sword to battle.

Rule #28 – How to not sound cheap when ordering the special of the night: "What's the special tonight?" (answers) "Fuck it – bring four of ‘em; why not, right? Try somethin' new!"

Rule #29 – Being a team player sucks.  Being the team player of a socially-inept friend earns you Good Guy Points which could lead to I'll Sleep With You Again Even Though You Used Me the First Time Points.

Rule #30 – There is no need for across-the-bar hand signals.  Use "I gotta go see my buddy for a minute – he's only in town for the weekend."

Rule #31 – Leaving without notice is perfectly acceptable.  You said goodbye beforehand and are too drunk to care as is.

Rule #32 – Don't admit to knowing about something they know tons about.  Girls are selfish and you'll be stuck saying "Go on, I'm intrigued" because you have no fucking idea what to say.

Rule #33 – Girls will almost always want to go back to their place just in case you're a creep-in-disguise.  This is the all-time greatest advantage-in-disguise. You'll realize this when you get your first stalker.

Rule #34 – Even on weekends, you have work to do in the morning. "It's 24/7 in this business, baby" is a good phrase to use because it shows you are ambitious and most likely wealthy.

Rule #35 – Fuck breakfast.

Rule #36 – When she asks you about your "favorites," your answer will be from either the "I have feelings too" section or the "I'm a real man and know how to fuck" section.  Choose wisely.  Examples:

Movie:  Love Actually or the latest Bond flick.

Band:  Dave Matthews or Gun ‘n Roses.

Food:   Lemon-crusted salmon fillet or rack of ribs. 

Sport:  Tennis or football.

Sex Position:  Whatever gets them off…whatever gets them off.

You get it.

Rule #37 – Drink as much as you like.  The beauty of Bar Crashing is if you get too drunk to close attractive deals you'll move on to less-attractive deals and not care.

Rule #38 – Hitting on the bartender is a one-way ticket to emptying your wallet and going home alone.

Rule #39 – A way to a woman's vagina is through tequila.

Rule #40 – Hot girls rely on their ugly friends to tell them if a guy is legit, so as much as you may hate it, be nice to ugly girls.

Rule #41 – Buying a few rounds for your prospect's friends is worth it.  You'll spend less time winning over her bodyguards if they're blacked out.

Rule #42 – Never spill on your prospect.  There is no way to play this one off cool. 

Rule #43 – Only sit on a bar stool if you've struck out at least 5 times.  Then girls who have also struck out will join you.  You could choke on the desperation.

Rule #44 – Don't be mysterious.  This isn't a movie and you don't look enough like Brad Pitt.  You are fun, sexy, and know how to handle a woman in bed.  Get to it.

Rule #45 – If you're going to tell lies, make sure they are simple and easy to remember.  Complex lies get tough when she introduces you to her friend and says, "This is Shawn, he just got back from (country you've never been to but used in a story to sound cultured); tell that story again!"

Rule #46 – Don't invite a jackass to crash bars with you.  Then you'll just be that group of obnoxious douchebags that thinks they're awesome yet go home and beat off each night.

Rule #47 – Always have plastic on you.  You may require a few extra shots to work up some nerve.

Rule #48 – Make sure that every girl you meet knows you're single but just got out of a long relationship.  This shows that 1) you are not just a player and 2) you are vulnerable.

Rule #49 – Never worry about your bar tab.  You're going to spend it anyway so you might as well not sit there fretting about next month's credit card bill.

Rule #50 – Look into her eyes for longer periods of time than you feel is necessary.

Rule #51 – If you can sense it's going nowhere, always escape by saying: "There's my friend! Just got in from Florida – gotta go say hi!"

Rule #52 – If it's going well but you feel you won't be able to drag it out all night, play the "work early" card and see if she'll leave with you.  If she wants to go with you but doesn't want to make you "stay up late," play the "That's why God invented coffee" card.

Rule #53 – Never need a chaser.  You never know what girl may not need one and find chasers unattractive.  Girls who do need a chaser aren't heavy enough drinkers to notice whether or not you're using one, but better be on the safe side.

Rule #54 – Avoid virgins.  You so do not want to go there.

Rule #55 – If accused of being a player, say, "I didn't want to bring this up, but, I've really only been in long-term relationships; kinda new to the whole meeting girls at a bar thing."  Done.

Rule #56 – When going in to talk to a girl, always know where you're going next if it doesn't go well.

Rule #57 – If you notice other Bar Crashers who aren't in your crowd, do not hit on the same girl.  There's plenty to go around, and girls who gets hit on 20 times a night aren't going home with anyone.

Rule #58 – If she doesn't like something you're wearing, you lost a bet.

Rule #59 – If another guy starts hitting on your girl, do not make fun of him – this isn't high school; that shit doesn't work anymore.  Just continue to talk to her as if he's not there and your superior game will make him fold.

Rule #60 – If you are white, do not dance unless you and your girl are both so far past gone that The Sprinkler looks hot.

Rule #61 – Crossing state lines opens up all new conversations, and the odds of running into a another girl you've hooked up with becomes much smaller.

Rule #62 – Crash no more than four bars over a two-night period.  Any more and people will start to recognize you, and unless you are a celebrity, this is bad.

Rule #63 – Always know somewhere you and your girl can go if the bar starts getting old.

Rule #64 – Save room for late-night drunk food. As stupid as it sounds to eat on a stomach full of alcohol, bitches crave this.

Rule #65 – If all your friends fail except you, let them go.  Not being able to split a taxi is worth it.

Rule #66 – Deep, introspective, wannabe-philosophers turn gay because they can't get girls.  Be outgoing.  Smile.  Laugh more than anyone logically should.  Girls love fun.

Rule #67 – If you stay in-state after you graduate, you're bound to run into girls from your rival school.  Swallow your pride. You probably know enough about the other school to say you're from there anyway.

Rule #68 – Singing a karaoke duet with your girl may be against Man Law, but it will increase your chances of getting laid by 33%.  There are studies.

Rule #69 – Do not hook up in the bar. You'll almost always get interrupted and any girl who wants to bang in the bathroom has at least herpes.

Rule #70 – No action for two weeks?  Time to call the ex-girlfriend.

Rule #71 – At least look at the Google map of the area you're going to.  Nothing is worse than being shit-faced and lost with a girl who's shit-faced and lost.

Rule #72 – Smelling good may not increase your female stock options, but not smelling good will leave you bankrupt.

Rule #73 – No excuses.  Unless of course you reach a BAC of 0.35%, in which case you should be concentrating on 1) maintaining brain function, 2) remembering to breathe, and 3) not picking up tomorrow morning's mistake.

Rule #74 – In case of emergency, order Jager bombs.

Rule #75 – Girls in baseball caps are either trying to be like guys or just don't give a fuck.  Either way they're putting out.

Rule #76 – Be nice to her friends, but not so nice that your primary prospect thinks you used her to get to her friends.

Rule #77 – Always carry two condoms. The reason for this can be decided by you.

Rule #78 – Are girls with fiancées fair game?  Of course they are.  If they cheat on him they shouldn't be getting married anyway.

Rule #79 – On Trivia Night, the table in the corner always gets asked the most questions.  Witty answers are like vagina keys.

Rule #80 – Learn to size up a bar with a quick 4- to 5-second glance.  Act like you're trying to find someone.  If there are not at least three potentials for you and your fellow Crashers each, try another bar.

Avoid complex dance moves and complex lies. Is a penis entering a vagina complex? No.Rule #81 – Sharing is caring is liking is talking is macking is flirting is leaving is fucking.  What, they didn't teach you that in 1st grade?

Rule #82 – Always plan your next step with the girl you're talking to. Is it time for a hand-touch?  Should I make a slightly sexual comment? Does she need another shot to make her pants come off? Do I need another shot to make my pants come off? Am I even still wearing pants?

Rule #83 – Don't let your prospect's male friends get too close.  Men can smell a Bar Crasher a mile away.  Things could get messy.

Rule #84 – If you're hitting on a girl from a birthday group, beware of the birthday girl: she will ultimately decide where the group will go to next, and no, your back seat is not a suggestion.

Rule #85 – Don't lie about illnesses you've had.  Not only is this not cool at all, it's almost kind of creepy (that you'd bring it up at a bar while drinking). No liver diseases, either.  No one buys, "I'm working it out; like muscles, right?"

Rule #86 – Tightness of shirt says a lot about the man.

Rule #87 – Avoid small bars. Less choices, less escape routes, and a higher chance of being overheard by someone who actually knows you.

Rule #88 – You do not work for a company – you do consultant work for various companies.  This way they can't track you down.

Rule #89 – If you choose to be from a fake town or have a fake job, choose somewhere you used to live or a job you once had.  This should be obvious.

Rule #90 – Yes, you want to someday get married and someday have children, but for the time being you're just trying to have fun.  Let them interpret this how they like.

Rule #91 – Only dance if there is already an established dance floor. In this category, entrepreneurship is not cool.

Rule # 92 – Even if you know the guy who she says went to your same school, say you don't remember him. Otherwise, this could only end up focusing the conversation on the other guy.

Rule #93 – Never bring a car. This eliminates the chance of getting loaded with a hottie and hooking it in the taxi.

Rule #94 – Girls always have insecurities.  The hotter they are, the more they have.  Do not exploit these verbally, but use this knowledge to see through their thin veil of confidence.

Rule #95 – Avoid complex dance moves, complex drinks, complex lies and complex females.  Is a penis entering a vagina complex? No. Nothing surrounding it should be either.

Rule #96 – Chivalry is dead.  Be an Alpha Male but leave out the dickhead part and leave in the confident-and-sure-of-himself part.

Rule #97 – Religious doesn't mean prude.

Rule #98 – Never sit down at a table of more than 4 girls.  If one of them feels left out, you're done for.

Rule #99 – Slow down on the cologne.  You don't necessarily want to smell extra good so much as you don't want to smell bad (see Rule #72).

Rule #100 – Don't wear a suit.  This either screams "I'm a young wannabe businessman who somehow didn't have time to go home even for five minutes to change" or "I think I look good in this but have no personality."  Button-downs are fine.

Rule #101 – Steer clear of any girl with "MD" after her name or "Officer" in front of it.

Rule # 102 – Don't wear a tie.  You're not in a meeting.

Rule #103 – Girls ages 21-25 and 31-35 are the best.  The first group is still naïve, the second is divorced or desperate.

Rule #104 – Either shave all the way or have the sexy rugged thing going on.  Nothing in the middle, and no full beards.  And stop rocking the goatee.  Seriously.

Rule #105 – Even if you don't know them, don't cock-block.  Even for a Bar Crasher this is low.

Rule #106 – Eat and drink before you go out.  You can then drop extra cash on drinks for your girl, her friends, and a taxi ride to her place.  Put aside an emergency fund for Plan B.

Rule #107 – If a fellow Crasher comes by and gives you the "move on" eye, move on.  Other Crashers aren't being blinded by cleavage.

Rule #108 – As long as you know how to spin a girl around you're safe on the dance floor.  Just always have a line prepared to get you back by the bar.

Rule #109 – Always note the name, hair color, and eye color of your girl so if you're ever smashed at a different bar you don't foolishly hit on her again.  Reputations spread fast.

Rule #110 – Don't do magic tricks or tell jokes that have to do with wordplay.  These girls aren't 8 anymore.

Rule #111 – Never give your real cell number out.  Even if she says she'll "Call you a little later tonight."  It's not worth it to have to change your number.

There you have it!  Follow these rules and you'll be well on your way to drunken hook-ups, incorrectly inputted phone numbers, and a credit card bill full of drinks you're liver never processed.


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