1. Stop laughing about the fact that your roommate died a horrible death during the semester break.

Your roommate was probably a loud, obnoxious, egotistical, cock-licking, jerk-off, douchebag, fucking pile of shit with purple toe nails who smelled bad and made really horrendous, bubbling noises in his sleep due to a sinus congestion.

But that’s no reason to laugh out loud (or giggle incessantly) about the fact that he got really drunk at his girlfriend’s apartment over the semester break, accidentally fell backwards off the balcony, and landed right in front of a speeding truck that splattered him all over the road in a rather hideous fashion.

It’s OK to laugh about things like this for a little while (several weeks, a few months, or perhaps even half a year), but sooner or later you’re going to have to move on.

After all, some things are just not funny.

2. Actively participate in communications class.

In communications class, you will be told by your professor that there is a difference between “hearing” and “listening.” Consider yourself extremely fortunate and blessed to be given this profound and enlightening bit of wisdom after you are forced to buy all of the over-priced books he wrote at the campus bookstore.

After he describes the intricate differences between “hearing” and “listening,” stand up and reply:

“Well, I’m LISTENING to you… and I’m HEARING you… but I think you SOUND like an asshole!”

Professors like it when you are witty and responsive.

3. If you have a “writing emphasis” course, and you are asked to clearly and precisely identify your personal goals for the future, simply state:

“My goals are to successfully avoid major, psychotic, truculent mood swings that lead to emotionally compromising scenarios; to attend to details that have extreme and overwhelmingly severe pertinence; to endeavor to persevere to substantially and efficaciously deflect all-consuming, pervasive, and eccentric thought patterns that lead to iconoclastic behavior and irreversibly neurotic delusions of grandeur; to remain amusingly befuddled by bitter levels of profoundly malicious virulence; to love more; to cry less; to stop laughing at horrible circus accidents; to puke more often during this class; and to stop overusing the preposition ‘to’ so that people won’t think I’m a BIG ASSHOLE or anything.”

4. Work on your multitasking skills.

If you didn’t already know, “multitasking” means performing more than one task or activity at a time. It’s a term that looks good on a well-designed resume and a skill that potential employers will definitely look for.

But multitasking isn’t just something you do professionally. It’s also a skill that you can practice and work on in your personal life as well. For example, putting gas in your car while waving your dick at the lady behind the counter is technically a form of multitasking because you are doing more than one thing at a time. Watching porn while crying and masturbating is another good example because in this scenario, as in the previous one, you are definitely engaged in more than one activity.

RELATED:  13 Signs Jerry Jones Formed a Pact with Satan

Drinking beer and periodically smoking a cigarette at short but perfectly timed intervals as you watch porn, cry, and masturbate is an outstanding form of multitasking as long as you don’t burn your crotch off. But, I wouldn’t try this immediately. Proper multitasking takes time to learn. You must build your skills one step at a time because if you push yourself too hard, you might “pull” something. (Hahaha) Get it?

Yeah, fuck you too!

5. Develop your skills even further and become a “cognitively engaged” multitasker.

I learned many scientific, high-tech, professional terms while I was in graduate school, such as the phrase “cognitively engaged.” To be “cognitively engaged” in something means to think about what you are doing. For example, “the students were cognitively engaged in their chemistry project.” This means they were thinking about their chemistry project while they were actually working on it. (Like I said, really high-tech, professional stuff.)

Once you become a professional multitasker, you can then successfully add the component of becoming “cognitively engaged.” The next time you put gas in your car while waving your dick at the lady behind the counter, just think to yourself, “Hey, my penis is out, I’m waving it at someone who has a rather disturbed look on her face, and I am also fully aware that my gas tank isn’t completely full yet.”

And if you can drink beer, smoke a cigarette, watch porn, cry, and masturbate while simultaneously realizing, “Hey, I’m going to have to clean off my computer screen after this,” then CONGRATULATIONS!

You are now a “cognitively engaged” multitasker!

6. College life can be stressful. In order to relieve stress, make sure you take time to socialize with others. Texting and chatting on Facebook are excellent ways to do this. Just make sure you don’t laugh too much, otherwise people will think you are weird.

Justin: “Hey Emily, how are you doing? I’m just taking a break from my studies. Hahaha.”

Emily: “Hi Justin! Yeah, me too. Hahaha.”

Justin: “Hahaha. Yeah, all this college work gets kind of stressful sometimes. Hahaha.”

Emily: “Hahaha. I totally agree. I can’t wait for summer break. Hahaha.”

Justin: “Hahaha. Yeah summer is a nice time of year. Hahaha.”

Emily: “Hahaha. Yeah, I agree. Hahaha.”

Justin: “Emily, I realize that I’ve only known you for a little while this semester, but I am in sheer agony because I have an incredibly deep yearning for you in my soul. Every time I see you, my heart skips a beat. I think about you all the time. I can see amazing warmth and stunning beauty in your soft and loving eyes. I just wish I could hold you in my arms, gently pull your shirt down, and stick my tongue in your mouth for a few minutes before laying on the edge of my bed with my pants off so that you can titty-fuck me until I blow out a load that actually hits the ceiling.”

RELATED:  7 Things Your Guidance Counselor Isn't Going to Tell You in High School

Emily: “Justin. I wish you hadn’t told me that. I really don’t know you very well as a person, but now I can say that you have made me feel extremely uncomfortable and unsafe. I will be alerting campus security and the town police about you, and I seriously want you to leave me alone. Hahaha.”

Justin: “Hahaha.”

Emily: “Hahaha.”

Justin: “Hahaha.”

Emily: “Hahaha.”

Justin: “Hahaha.”

Emily: “Hahaha. So, what are you doing next weekend?”

7. On second thought, avoid texting and chatting with others on social media. It’s probably a bad idea.

Chatting with others on social media can get you into trouble. If you feel stressed out, just do what I do when I come back home after a long day at work. I sit in my car for a while and pick at one of the perfectly formed scabs on top of my head as I stare blankly at my house. Trust me, it’s a really cool scab. When I finally pick it off, I’m going to save it in a napkin so that I can take it to work the next day and brag about it.

8. After reading the advice I just gave in number 6 and number 7…take a moment to reflect on just how much of an awesome writer I am. Then proceed to number 9.

9. Re-read number 8. Hahaha. Just kidding. Fuck you! Go to number 10.

10. Always maintain solid moral standards as well as proper language usage.

Never “lie”…simply misinform or withhold the entire story when you feel it necessary to protect the feelings of others.

Never “cheat”…just consider every given scenario to find the best possible outcome.

Never “steal”…maintain resourcefulness and contemplate items that people have temporarily de-valued.

Never “slander”…but feel free to significantly analyze personalities and then intellectually discuss them with others.

Never “stalk” people…be mindfully aware of natural surroundings, such as tree branches, in order to make sure that people don’t feel lonely.

But then again, nobody is “lonely”… they simply lack provisional social circumstances that would allow them to significantly connect with others of a similar aptitude.

And when your roommate walked into the room drunk, mistook you for his girlfriend, and then pushed your face into the pillow before fucking you in the ass for about an hour and a half as he drooled all over your back, just remember that he didn’t “butt-fuck” you….

He inaccurately targeted his true intentions.

Suggested Next