1. Pick a covert restaurant for taking out your extracurricular girls.

First thing you need to do is stake out your own batcave, an obscure but appropriate restaurant you can take your other girls to. This one seems obvious, but you’d be surprised how many people fuck it up. How many dickheads do you know who’ve been caught cheating because they just had to go to "Endless Shrimp" night at Red Lobster with their floozy? And who needs to start with shrimp when the whole thing ends in crabs anyway? Maybe the seafood is just to prepare the pallet for what it will be eating after dinner.

Anyway, always have a secret little hole in the wall. Find a place small place with a little charm where your friends don’t go, close to your house.

Two reasons you want it close to your house:

  1. In case you need to abort and sneak out the bathroom window. There’s a million reasons why this could happen. I don’t want to get into them all here.
  2. So you can quickly get to your place and do what consenting adults in loveless relationships (redundant?) do: cheat.

2. Stick to women with the same hair type as your woman.

Remember that scene from Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo where Rob Schneider accidentally eviscerates the Argentinean male prostitute’s lion fish in the blender, forcing him to find an exact replacement? I know what you’re thinking: "I’ve heard so many life lessons allegorically tied to Deuce Bigalow, there is no possible way someone could have another one." Well, hang on to your prophylactics, kiddies, because things are about to get heavy.

So, Deuce has to go find an exact copy of this fish—something that will pass for the same fish—otherwise the hot-headed Latin lover will make Deuce bullfight or do low level yard work or some shit… I don’t know what these people do. The point is, Deuce can’t put just any fish in the tank; an oarfish would be a little conspicuous.

You need to apply the same thinking to your mistress’ hair color and type.

You see, the only reason women lose so much hair on a daily basis is because it’s their calling card. It’s a subtle way of marking their territory. Men piss on something, women shed. But you, gentlemen, can outsmart nature. The key is sticking to women with the same hair color, length, and type. You can’t go curly redhead if your girl has straight blonde hair. Yeah, it’s not as convenient, and sometimes you want a redhead. But sometimes you don’t want your wife to take the house and the Audi and start banging your best friend. So, if she’s got dark wavy hair, you bang girls with dark wavy hair.

Thanks again, Deuce.

3. Establish the same pet name for all women.

What’s your girlfriend’s name? If you answered anything but "baby," "sweetie," "honey," "sugar" or "doll," then you haven’t been paying attention. Names can fuck your world up. Ever call a girl the wrong name? It’s easy to do when you’re really dedicated to cheating. Especially these days when there’s Kristins, Kirstins and Kerstins out there. Really? Do we really need all three? Fuck you people.

That should all be irrelevant though. If you call everyone "babe," you’ll never screw up and they’ll just think it’s sweet. That or get one of those Peyton Manning armband playbooks you can fold up and use to look at pictures of girls with corresponding names. That may be a giveaway, though.

Couple in bed

4. Incorporate glitter into your outfits regularly.

Ever come home to your lovely girlfriend after a long night at the strip club and questionable dalliances with Mercedes Jade, only to find that you look like you’ve murdered a pixie? We’ve all been there. And glitter is to blame. Glitter is like the herpes of the accessory world: once you get it, you’ve got it for life.

The solution? Start wearing glitter all the time.

Now, this isn’t something you can just start doing midstream in a relationship, you have to get in on the ground floor with this trick. It’s like when one person in a relationship starts working out and grooming a little too meticulously—something’s up. But if you meet a girl and have been wearing glitter from day one, you’re in the clear. There may be some questions about your sexuality, but don’t worry, with all the metrosexual bullshit out there now, you’ll fit right in. I mean, you can’t even go into a clothing store anymore and decipher the difference between the men’s and women’s sections. I walk in and sit there thinking, "Is fall really the right season for thong backs… and what size am I?"

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5. Change the other girl’s name to a guy’s name in your phone.

(I probably could have lumped this in with pet names, but fuck it, I had to get to 10, so I stretched it a little. Hey, I’m doing the Lord’s work here, I can take some liberties if I please; you’ll be rolling in loose women and antibiotics if you follow my advice, so don’t give me any shit. Just remember what my grandmother always told me: "Drips and burns and you will learn, just stay away from that whore. Learn your lesson and it will pass, but your days are numbered once you find an open sore." She was a saint.)

This is the oldest trick in the book—besides the popcorn thing—and it still works today. If you’re always getting text messages from Tiffany, your girl is going to question it. If Tiffany’s name gets changed to Timothy in your phone, all of a sudden you just have a friend who’s texting you a lot… and asking you what color lingerie you like best on him. Which could be hard to explain. But, this one really isn’t that necessary if you follow my next rule…

6. Establish early and often that: A) you have lots of friends who are girls, and B) you are a busy person.

The keywords are early and often. Don’t forget those words! We talked about this earlier, but you can’t go switching things up once the status quo in a relationship has been set. You can, however, dictate the boundaries of that relationship as it’s being formed.

So, again, I say: early and often.

What do I mean? First, you make it clear you have lots of friends who are girls. Don’t declare it on the first date like John Travolta declared he was gay through the majesty of dance in Saturday Night Fever, but work it in. During conversations, casually mention a friend’s name who is a girl. Maybe even mention a time you hung out with two or three girls at once and did something benign, non-romantic. If your girlfriend knows from the get-go that you have lots of friends who are girls—and this usually works better if you have a large but tight social circle—then they are less inclined to think anything is wrong with you talking to or hanging out with other women.

Second, be busy. A lot. You want to make it clear you don’t get much sleep and you have a lot of projects you’re dedicated to.

This will do three things:

  1. Garner sympathy from your girlfriend regarding your lack of sleep.
  2. Attract her to your drive and work ethic.
  3. Allow you to not have to explain when you can’t do things or don’t answer your phone.

That last one is the big one. If the precedent is set that you’re not on call and available all the time, you’ve done your job. Also, girls want what they can’t have, so it will just make them desire you more. Of course, this can backfire and become a stalker situation. You’ve been warned.

7. Deny, deny, deny all accusations of cheating.

You ever watch C.S.I. or Law & Order? Or one of the other countless crime and court dramas on TV? Of course you don’t, those shows are steaming piles of beaver shit. And if you do, then I hate you. But what’s important is that you know what the term "burden of proof" means.

Look, cops used to not like me (for reasons we don’t need to get into here, but probably similar reasons why a lot of people don’t like me—hint: I’m an asshole) and they’d pull me over quite often. In these stops they’d always ask if they could search my car, to which I would respond, "No." That may seem brazen, but they didn’t have any proof or cause to search my vehicle. If they had proof of a crime they would have already had me in cuffs and been digging through my car like a tweeker who just lost has last rock in a high-pile white shag carpet, not asking for permission to search my vehicle.

Your girlfriend may ask about things, and you just need to say no. Don’t let the emotional search begin. If she had evidence, she’d already have broken up with you. Burden of proof, remember? In a court of law it’s not so much up to you to prove you’re not guilty as it is the state to prove you are, beyond a shadow of a doubt, guilty. So, when approached with anything, deny, deny, deny! Where is the video evidence that empirically proves that you are guilty of what your girlfriend claims? If the used condom doesn’t fit, you must acquit!

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8. Don’t play in your own backyard.

You may be reading all this and thinking what a crock of shit it is. How does this guy know what he’s talking about, you’re thinking? Fine. You don’t want to listen to me, at least take some advice from Ludacris and Nate Dogg: hoes in different area codes.

If rap music has taught me anything in life it’s that objectifying women is OK and white kids will attach themselves to anything just to piss off their parents. Nevertheless, Luda and Nate had it right and you should remember that. Sure, cheating outside your area code may be tough, depending on where you live; Montana has one area code for the entire state, so that means you’re either going to Idaho, the Dakotas, or Wyoming, and none of those sound very appealing. But the point is the distance, so I say zip code is a good demarcation line. I’ve lived in a lot of big cities, and you’d be surprised how many of the same people you see every day in the one pocket of the city you dwell in. You need to put some real estate between your cheating cock and your girl’s unsuspecting vagina. The more zip codes away the better.

9. Never assume an accessory or piece of clothing is your girlfriend’s.

I made a fatal mistake one time. I was driving around with a girl I was hanging with fairly often—she was my main squeeze at the time but we weren’t exclusive—and I had her dig something out of my glove box for me. Probably just a napkin or something, but I imagine she was figuratively digging for her dignity. After a while, she handed me several things from the glove box, including a clear strap for a bra. When I saw it I said, "This must be yours," and handed it back to her. To which I got a very stern look and a sharp, "This isn’t mine."

I was caught off-guard because, to my knowledge, or at the very least to my recollection, I hadn’t had any other girl in my car for a very long time. And certainly not any girl who was losing articles of clothing—I’d hope I would remember that. I’d tell you what witty excuse this girl with low self-esteem was willing to accept as a reasonable answer as to why I had another woman’s delicates in my car, but I really don’t recall it. Probably something to do with one of my cousins. I have about 700 cousins—when I say 700, I’m lying; it’s more like 900—so I used to be able to just blindly blame things on them; every cousin was just one more faceless Mexican in a sea of names and untraceable relations.

"Who’s texting you at 2:30am?" My cousin.

"Who were you with all night?" My cousin.

"Who’s bra is that?" My cousin’s.

Hmm… I change my mind. Maybe "Have lots of cousins."

10. Take advantage of her friends’ jealousy.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about women, it’s that they all hate each other and are secretly jealous of what the other has. Not because they necessarily want what their friends have, but simply because they do not have what their friends have. It’s a crazy thing. Kind of like the way a black hole collapses in on itself—these women just emotionally implode.

But here’s how you benefit from this: Band their friends.

Trust me, your girlfriend’s friends wouldn’t want anything to do with you if they just met you at a bar—seriously, look at yourself—but now that you’re taken by one of their friends, they’re all about it. Have you ever had two dogs, given one a chew toy first, and then given the other a chew toy a minute later? It doesn’t matter how good the chew toy dog #1 already has is, or that the other chew toy has been in its doggie friend’s mouth, dog #1 now wants dog #2’s chew toy.

I know this breaks rule #8 ("Don’t play in your own backyard"), but hey, women are vindictive. They’ll never tell your girl because they get more enjoyment out of passively-aggressively and continuously ruining your girlfriend’s world without her even knowing it. Sure, the friend can tell your girlfriend and witness one giant meltdown. Or she can fuck you every day and give your honey a fake smile every time she sees her, reveling in her little secret over and over again. I say you may as well capitalize on this.

Finally, a little bonus tip:

Ready Wipes. So many uses. I think you get the idea.

Happy cheating, everyone!

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