1. “Goddamn, you look terrible! Are you OK?”

If some guy is bleeding all over the place and one of his eyeballs is hanging out of his head, then you can safely assume he’s NOT OK! There’s no need to insult an extremely injured person with a stupid question. Just tell him he looks terrible and move on.

2. “You look like you need someone to talk to. I recommend that person over there, he looks like a really good talker. I’ll be hanging out here with people who are actually having fun and enjoying life.”

You might be at a party or out with some friends when you see someone staring at the floor, sobbing endlessly. When you see someone in this condition, it’s often because they’re not having a very good time.

Something really horrible, sad, or devastating has probably happened. They may have had their heart broken, or they may have recently learned that a family member has developed a horrible crotch infection and is about to die soon. It’s hard to say.

My advice is to say as little to this person as possible. Your words will only make things worse. Get someone else to comfort them. It’s not your job!

Just hang out with the other people who are having fun and drinking too much. You never know, you might even get lucky enough to meet some crazy nymphomaniac who steals your underwear and sticks her finger up your ass while jerking you off in a dark alleyway somewhere. Although this might be considered socially unacceptable behavior by some people, it is certainly more fun than hanging out with someone who is depressed.

3. “I heard your child was eaten by an escaped zoo animal. I certainly hope it was a quick death and that there was no severe pain or suffering involved. Here’s $5 to help ease your loss. …What? There WAS severe pain and suffering? Gosh, I feel like such an ass! Here’s $10.”

You should always keep at least $10 in your wallet just in case you meet someone who has suffered a tragic and unexpected loss. Handing someone only $5 is just plain rude and insulting. What kind of a person are you, anyway?

4. “It’s heart-breaking to see you in the hospital in this condition. How much would it hurt if I accidentally stepped on this tube coming out of your body?”

Yes, it’s going to hurt! You asshole! The person in the hospital is probably a man, and the tube is probably coming out of his penis.

Before you say something stupid like this, you should probably read up on your medical terminology. The tube is probably a catheter. A catheter is a thin, flexible medical device which often serves the purpose of facilitating drainage.

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Catheters can be used in a variety of ways, but they are often inserted into the penis-hole and then pushed through the urethra with the help of lubrication. This can be done either during surgery or while the patient is awake.  If the patient is awake, he will often experience a slight feeling of pressure and discomfort as the lubrication tube enters the penis and injects the fluid that is necessary to prepare it for further penetration.

When the catheter is inserted, the patient will then feel a sharp, “burning-needle” type of sensation as the sensitive inner-lining of the penis-hole opens up. This sensation is accompanied by testicular strain, further pressure, and soreness as the device makes its way through the urethra and deeper into the patient’s insides. When the catheter is removed, there is a rather intense feeling of reverse pressure as it scrapes against (and breaks) several blood-vessels on its way out. This often results in bloody urine for the next week or so.

In other words, don’t step on that tube!

5. “Thank you for being so open and honest with me about your previous long-term relationship. It sounds like there were many complicated factors involved in your breakup, and I understand that it takes time to heal emotionally from this sort of thing. So, are you ready to start sucking my dick yet? It’s late, and I’ve got stuff to do in the morning.”

If you’re on a date with a woman, saying this might actually get you punched in the face. It’s also possible she will never call you again. Your intentions may be harmless, but these words are often perceived as impolite, heartless, and slightly ill-mannered. She might even think that you’re a horrible, degenerate pig.

Although nothing could be further from the truth, I highly recommend that you DO NOT SAY THESE WORDS… at least not on the first date.

On the second date, it would probably be OK. She’ll know you a little better by then.

6. “Hey, it’s OK. She still loves you. She just wasn’t thinking clearly when she met that other guy at the bar, went to his apartment, got down on her knees, pulled his pants down, spit on his cock, stroked him until he was really hard, and then proceeded to fuck him reverse cowgirl style in the middle of the stairwell.”

If you’ve made it this far into the article, then you probably realize that I’m emotionally unwell as a person. But that doesn’t matter because this is advice that you should definitely not miss out on.

The above statement is probably the worst thing you can say to some poor guy who just found out his girlfriend cheated on him. Heartbreak is bad enough without all the gory details. There are some moments in life that are so incredibly filled with pain that silence is actually the best answer.

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Also, don’t tell him you were the other guy. That could make the situation even worse.

7. “Hey, it’s OK. He still loves you. He just wasn’t thinking clearly when he spent several weeks flirting with another woman online until he met her in person, bent her over the kitchen table, gave her a good solid pounding from behind, and then blew his load all over her back before he proceeded to fuck all of her good-looking friends as well as the Schwan’s delivery man who occasionally stops by her house.”

I’m not really sure how females break bad news to each other, but I think this statement would probably also be out of line. But then again, females are always more detail-oriented, so maybe she actually does want to know. She may use the information to determine if she wants to kill him with a knife or a hammer while he’s sleeping.

She may also decide to videotape herself scissoring with another woman before drugging him, tying him to a chair, and forcing him to watch the entire video before she sets a hot frying pan on his testicles and then smashes his face in with a shovel.

People use information differently.

8. “Hey, guess what! I found a book that you might really enjoy. I wandered past the Self-Help section and immediately thought of you. I think you’ll like chapter 7; it’s about personality disorders and cognitive deficiencies.”

This isn’t exactly the nicest thing to say to someone, but you had been meaning to buy this person a gift for quite some time. You originally thought of buying the person a small bag of freshly-ground, medium-roasted, potato-flavored coffee and some chewing gum, but the book was actually cheaper.

It’s the thought that counts.

9. “I know you’ve been thinking about giving up drugs and alcohol because they cause you to act like a dysfunctional asshole, but it’s the only thing you’re really good at. I don’t think sobriety is actually going to improve your life all that much.”

and….

10. “It’s important to be honest with yourself. Setting your goals too high and having unrealistic expectations will only lead to frustration and disappointment. That’s why I think you should stop trying to go back to school, obtain a fulfilling career, or find someone who will love you unconditionally. OK, you can get up now. I have to go home because I don’t have enough money for another lap dance.”

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