Does “Woah, what happened last night? We drank so much! I think Elaine and I had sex on the pool table in front of everyone. Rad! Well, jeez, I guess we better start cleaning up all these red solo cups, vomit, baby bottle pops, and handguns. Wait, handguns?!” sound familiar? If your college life is anything like mine, the answer is, “Were you wire tapping me?”

So, allow me to offer some advice for those unavoidable situations where you find a handgun in the living room after a college party.

1. DON’T get your fingerprints on it.

There might not even be a crime to convict you of, but this is not the time to assume there isn’t. When handling the firearm, use gloves or some other form of cloth to make sure your fingerprints stay on your fingers.

2. DO ask all of the remaining drunks that stayed over last night if it belongs to them.

This could quickly end the problem. Just give them their firearm back, and we can all move on with our days. If someone claims it, that is…

3. DON’T call the police.

Like I said, what if there’s a crime here? Your potential finger prints, mixed with you being at the scene of the crime? That’s solid evidence for a jury.

4. DO go looking for more of the story.

What are the chances that someone lost a firearm at your party for literally no reason? Now would be a good time to search the rest of the property for more clues.

5. DON’T freak out when you find the body in the backyard.

It’s okay. Remain calm. I’m sure he’s just asleep…

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6. DO try to wake him up.

7. DON’T freak out even more when he doesn’t wake up.

It is evident at this point that the gun you’ve found is directly correlated to this body. As long as you didn’t get your fingerprints on the…

8. OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

You got your prints on the gun? You’re going down, man. What are you gonna do when the cops come? They aren’t going to believe that you just found a gun and a body. Oh god…

9. Jesus Christ, am I going down for this too?

Am I an accomplice for helping you? Lose my name. You don’t know me, you’ve never seen me before, this article doesn’t exist.

10. Hello sir! My name is Ronaldo Cortez and I’m a door-to-door salesman!

Can I interest you in this SuperVac 3200? Its brand spankin’ new wet-suction technology is strong enough to get wine stains out of a carpet! Strong enough to take the lacquer off of your wooden furniture! Strong enough to take your fingerprints off of a gun that you found! Wink Wink!

Ahh, you’ve successfully handled finding a gun in your living room after a wild college party. Congrats, no jail time for you!

Remember these tips every time you find yourself in a situation like this, and you’ll be in the clear. Best of luck to you, crazy kids.

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